
It seems every holiday has a slasher flick dedicated to it. “Halloween”, “April Fool’s Day”, “Black Christmas”, “Friday the 13th” (does that count as a holiday?) and heck, even Valentine’s Day got its due with “My Bloody Valentine”. Churned out when the slasher craze was really starting to hit high gear, “My Bloody Valentine” follows your standard 80s slasher formula to the letter, borrowing elements from the likes of “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, “Prom Night” and, really, anything else that was made ten minutes before it. For what it is, though, “My Bloody Valentine” is a pretty harmless addition to the genre and not the worst way to kill an evening.
Twenty years ago, on Valentine’s Day, a miner named Harry Warden (Peter Cowper) was buried alive. He was rescued, but not before the isolation drove him insane. Naturally, he went on a bloody rampage before being sent to a nuthouse. Now, twenty years later, the people of the small town of Valentine's Bluff are ready to celebrate their favorite holiday again. Unfortunately, the murdering Miner appears to have returned, carving the hearts out of his victims and leaving them in candy boxes with ominous messages, and the only thing more horrifying than his murders is his poetry.
You know, it really shocked me when, earlier this year, they decided to remake such a forgettable and borderline obscure flick as “My Bloody Valentine”. I guess its proof enough that Hollywood really is out of ideas if they have to resort to rehashing something as relatively unknown and creatively bankrupt as this.
Perhaps that’s a tad harsh, but don’t kid yourself; “My Bloody Valentine” really does run the gamut of every slasher cliché known to man. To the film’s credit, it executes them fairly well and the Miner does have a certain visual appeal that’s, I dunno, at least better than villains like that ski mask-wearing dork from “Prom Night”. Never-the-less, really, don’t expect anything particularly original from this genre offering.
So far as kills go, well, the MPAA was rather notoriously ruthless to the film; cutting up to three solid minutes of violence before issuing it an R-rating. An uncut version of the film was finally made available in 2009 as a cross-promotion with the remake, but doesn’t offer as much as you’d think. The deaths are still as mundane as ever, as is all the gore. There are a few decent moments, such as the scene in which a guy gets his face boiled off in a pot of hot dog water, but even that was done better in “Halloween II”.
If the film succeeds at anything, it’s accurately depicting life in the most rural armpit town in America. Fashion is thirty years behind the curve, educational aspirations extend no further than digging holes in the town mine, everyone knows how to play the harmonica, parties are totally lame and there isn’t a single minority in sight. I guess if I lived in such a dead end place, I’d go crazy and kill everyone, too. The climax of the movie was filmed in the actual Sydney Mines in Nova Scotia, Canada, so the setting at least feels genuine. To give Director George Mihalka a little credit, he made the mines look exceptionally creepy and maze-like.
I’m going to go ahead and ruin the ending of the movie for you because, Christ, I really don’t care and neither should you. Anyway, at the very end, it is revealed that Harry Warden died in a madhouse five years ago and the killings are being perpetrated by none other than Axel (Neil Affleck), a guy we thought was normal. Turns out he saw Harry Warden murder his Dad twenty years ago, went crazy and decided to become the new murdering Miner. Forgoing the fact that this reveal is nigh-identical to the one from “Prom Night”, it just doesn’t make any sense, at least where the editing of the film is concerned. Where Axel is seen paling around with his friends and where the Miner is seen killing drunks simply don’t match-up, unless Axel has Clark Kent-level wardrobe-changing abilities. And the ending, where Axel can be seen running down the mine, falling just short of screaming “See you in the sequel”…ugh.
Oh, and don’t skip the credits! Otherwise you might miss the rousing folk ballad that summarizes all the plot points from the movie. Jesus. I guess it’s better than the late 80s and early 90s, where every movie had a rap song doing the same thing, but better only by a microscopic margin.
“My Bloody Valentine” is about as harmless and forgettable as a slasher film can get. It’s amusing, I suppose, if you haven’t seen any of the other movies its identical to, but incredibly boring if you have. If you can get it on DVD for $5 bucks from Wal-Mart like I did, then yeah, go for it. Otherwise, don’t bother.
Grade: D+ (as in, “Damn, but the stray dogs in that town are vicious”.)
Twenty years ago, on Valentine’s Day, a miner named Harry Warden (Peter Cowper) was buried alive. He was rescued, but not before the isolation drove him insane. Naturally, he went on a bloody rampage before being sent to a nuthouse. Now, twenty years later, the people of the small town of Valentine's Bluff are ready to celebrate their favorite holiday again. Unfortunately, the murdering Miner appears to have returned, carving the hearts out of his victims and leaving them in candy boxes with ominous messages, and the only thing more horrifying than his murders is his poetry.
You know, it really shocked me when, earlier this year, they decided to remake such a forgettable and borderline obscure flick as “My Bloody Valentine”. I guess its proof enough that Hollywood really is out of ideas if they have to resort to rehashing something as relatively unknown and creatively bankrupt as this.
Perhaps that’s a tad harsh, but don’t kid yourself; “My Bloody Valentine” really does run the gamut of every slasher cliché known to man. To the film’s credit, it executes them fairly well and the Miner does have a certain visual appeal that’s, I dunno, at least better than villains like that ski mask-wearing dork from “Prom Night”. Never-the-less, really, don’t expect anything particularly original from this genre offering.
So far as kills go, well, the MPAA was rather notoriously ruthless to the film; cutting up to three solid minutes of violence before issuing it an R-rating. An uncut version of the film was finally made available in 2009 as a cross-promotion with the remake, but doesn’t offer as much as you’d think. The deaths are still as mundane as ever, as is all the gore. There are a few decent moments, such as the scene in which a guy gets his face boiled off in a pot of hot dog water, but even that was done better in “Halloween II”.
If the film succeeds at anything, it’s accurately depicting life in the most rural armpit town in America. Fashion is thirty years behind the curve, educational aspirations extend no further than digging holes in the town mine, everyone knows how to play the harmonica, parties are totally lame and there isn’t a single minority in sight. I guess if I lived in such a dead end place, I’d go crazy and kill everyone, too. The climax of the movie was filmed in the actual Sydney Mines in Nova Scotia, Canada, so the setting at least feels genuine. To give Director George Mihalka a little credit, he made the mines look exceptionally creepy and maze-like.
I’m going to go ahead and ruin the ending of the movie for you because, Christ, I really don’t care and neither should you. Anyway, at the very end, it is revealed that Harry Warden died in a madhouse five years ago and the killings are being perpetrated by none other than Axel (Neil Affleck), a guy we thought was normal. Turns out he saw Harry Warden murder his Dad twenty years ago, went crazy and decided to become the new murdering Miner. Forgoing the fact that this reveal is nigh-identical to the one from “Prom Night”, it just doesn’t make any sense, at least where the editing of the film is concerned. Where Axel is seen paling around with his friends and where the Miner is seen killing drunks simply don’t match-up, unless Axel has Clark Kent-level wardrobe-changing abilities. And the ending, where Axel can be seen running down the mine, falling just short of screaming “See you in the sequel”…ugh.
Oh, and don’t skip the credits! Otherwise you might miss the rousing folk ballad that summarizes all the plot points from the movie. Jesus. I guess it’s better than the late 80s and early 90s, where every movie had a rap song doing the same thing, but better only by a microscopic margin.
“My Bloody Valentine” is about as harmless and forgettable as a slasher film can get. It’s amusing, I suppose, if you haven’t seen any of the other movies its identical to, but incredibly boring if you have. If you can get it on DVD for $5 bucks from Wal-Mart like I did, then yeah, go for it. Otherwise, don’t bother.
Grade: D+ (as in, “Damn, but the stray dogs in that town are vicious”.)


